Cool Tool

There were many advantages to moving to our small Carolina town. Well, actually, small isn’t exactly the right word. The town we live in is actually pretty big, acreage wise, but population wise, it’s the “biggest small town” I’ve ever known! Some of the benefits of living here are ridiculous housing prices relative to the amount of house and luxury you get, great schools, a surprisingly state-of-the-art medical system and lots of “green,” (i.e undeveloped land…mostly rolling hills and farms. Just lovely!) We have great restaurants, no traffic and blue skies as far as the eyes can see. But one thing we lack…shopping. Before the renovations started last year, our mall was pitiful. Aside from at least being “interior” style, (meaning you don’t have to walk outside to go from store to store) the mall made me feel like I was going back in time…requiring me to “frost” my hair, wear rainbow legwarmers, a quilted Michael J. Fox from “Back to the Future” ski vest, (FYI…if V had been a boy, her name would have been “Emmett.” If you are not pop culture savvy enough to get the reference, then Google it),

dangly gold earrings, fingerless white lace gloves and a mini-skirt.

As I scoured the stores for children’s shoes, I sadly discovered that there literally was no children’s shoe store. I tried the major retail chains…JC Penney (although nice) was no dice. Belk surprised me with its quality and made me feel like I was shopping in the DC suburbs again (instead of 1979 rural South Carolina) but…their kids shoes lost me at “Crocs.” As in…that’s pretty much all they had. We have Target, we have Lowe’s AND Home Depot…for all of our size, we are just about to get our very first Starbucks (big deal…I don’t even drink coffee…) and maybe someday, I won’t have to drive too far to get to Whole Foods…in the next big town over. So…

A 20-30 minute drive (which means 20-30 MILES on the HIGHWAY because as I mentioned before…NO TRAFFIC…which also means FAR FROM HOME!) later, I was at the WONDERFUL, wonderfully MODERN mall in the next largest city where I shopped till I dropped (“or the money said ‘stop’”) at the Stride Rite store, Williams Sonoma and of course, my BFF…the M.A.C counter. But here’s the deal…the so called “toys” they have in the Stride Rite store make me wanna barf. It’s that wooden activity cube found in every pediatrician/dentist office that NEVER gets wiped down, a virtual square-shaped virus machine, if you will. I mean, for all practical purposes, I might as well hand my kids a piece of POOP to play with. Gross. And don’t even get me started on those mall “play centers.” Goo.” I’ve seen your kids sneezing, wiping their runny noses on their hands…I’ve heard you say that he’s “just getting over the stomach flu” so you had to bring him “here, rather than preschool.” No thanks. Y’all can play with yourselves. Ewww. Second, (and no offense) but the “shoe handler” is ALWAYS some chick who just needs a pay check who does NOT have kids, but has a “niece” and/or “nephew” they can’t WAIT to tell you about for a half an hour, while I TRY to wrangle my screaming kids AWAY from said Activity Cube of Doom.

Therefore, in light of the lack of shoe stores in my precious little town, I decided, TWO years ago, that rather than deal with retail hell, I can be Al Bundy,

In the privacy of my own home!

So I purchased…this:

Oh yes, you’ve seen it, you’ve used it, and now you know that it’s called a Brannock Device, and you can purchase one of your very own! When I told Andrew I was buying said object, he of course, said, “NO! Whaddaweneedthatfor?Youjustwannawastemoney” yadda yadda yadda. He did NOT want to listen or hear that I didn’t want drive all over the effing place, or corral my children from touching disease infested objects of entertainment in an over-priced, under-staffed shoe store. I wanted to measure the kids AT HOME and order the shoes online. End of story. No arguments.

Now that Spring and Summer are approaching, it is time to re-measure the kids’ feet. Well, I’m over it. I’m over hiding my deep, dark secret. If Andrew doesn’t like it, well, he can shove the Brannock Device up my ass. Or, rather, up his OWN ass. Ha ha. As I poured over shoes on zappos.com, I decided to come out of the closet and send Andrew on a scavenger hunt to find my hidden truth…

“Go into V’s room…look in her closet, on the second shelf, deep in the back, in a small, brown, cardboard box…” Yes, bring that to me. I could tell that Andrew was mildly disappointed…He had told me “Don’t buy it,” (two years ago) and I said, “Ok,” and bought it anyway. But! Andrew was fascinated!!! He was like, “Can you show me how to measure their feet?” So together, we measured the kids. It was TONS of fun, nerdy, but fun. Who knew two people, with two college degrees could appreciate measuring kids’ feet?

The children now have several pairs of shoes coming their way courtesy of zappos.com (and I ordered myself a pair of these):

And I LOVE them! (But don’t tell Big Daddy! They are listed in our check book under “thing.”)

So the next time your kid sits crying while the slightly overweight salesperson with a mustache (and vagina) jams your kid’s foot in a shoe while they scream in terror at the stranger man-handling their sweet, widdle tootsie, consider the Brannock Device. You’ll be glad you did…unlike the miter saw your husband insisted he needed, it’s the tool that keeps on giving!