The Blue Menace: Everything's Illuminated...But Not In A GOOD Way

I suffer from horrible insomnia. It is one of those annoying little things that you learn to live with; like an insufferable hangnail or cowlick you just can’t comb the right direction. Don’t offer advice…I’ve tried it all. My own physician cautioned against prescription medication because even though the FDA says they are not addictive…they are. The line between “addictive” and “dependent” is very grey. Instead, she recommended diphenhydramine. For those of you not into “pharm-lingo,” that meant Benadryl. Hmmm…I wonder if that interferes with wine??? Probably. And yes, I am well aware that wine, or any alcohol for that matter, can affect sleep patterns. But friends, let me assure me, my insomnia is more powerful than a simple glass of wine (or 5.) In is indiscriminate. It will wake me, regardless.

That being said, my nights are ruled by a serious of “devices” whose sole purposes are to get me to sleep…and to keep me there. These devices include: TWO professional grade “white noise” machines, most commonly employed by mental health professionals to maintain privacy while “in session.” However, for us…one keeps the kids asleep (thus preventing unnecessary “hall walking” at night) and one blocks out the subtle noises of (dare I say it?) a spacious house…and don’t even get me started on the late night MUSINGS of my cat Mr. Naughty, who lately thinks 3 am is the PURRfect time to sing Kitty Opera. AHHHH!

Another thing we use to get me to sleep (no, it’s not that, get your mind out of the gutter! That only works for him, NOT for me) is letting me fall asleep with the TV on and set to “30 minute sleep” which means the TV shuts itself off after 30 minutes. Yes, it’s like I’m a little old lady. I’ve dealt with it, you can too.

The problem with, “Did you put it on ‘Sleep?’” is the little, blue, LED light that stays on…indefinitely, MOCKING me from the Direct TV box. So when I wake up at 3 am (it’s like I’m a freaking’ Cuckoo Clock…(“CUCKCOO! CUCKCOO!”) that little blue light illuminates my room like a little, blue, SUN. It’s really just an (and when I say, “an” I mean ONE) itty, bitty, teesy, weensy, widdle, teeny, tiny light…but to my sensitive eyes, it’s a HUGE, TURQUOISE BEACON OF DOOM. We have a name for it. In the middle of the night, when I wake up and am blinded by the blue beacon haunting me from across the room…I ever so gently nudge (SHOVE) Andrew and politely (WHINE) ask, “Can you PUH-LEEEASE turn off the…

BLUE MENACE??!!!?”

Recently, we joined the rest of the 21^st Century, and upgraded all of our receivers to high def. In fact, we just got our very first DVR Baby Steps! Andrew had hyped the machine, telling me that it was MUCH fainter than our old machine. Poor guy. He was right…about he one in the Great Room…However, the one in OUR bedroom, the one with the DVR, was much, much worse. Andrew didn’t know how to break the devastating news to me that instead of the SMALL annoying blue light, we now had THIS:

Sometimes ALL of the lights are illuminated.

Sometimes only a few...And sometimes (when I just KNOW the “eye” is looking at me, or “thinking”) the lights spin round and round…round and round…like a record spinning right round right round…

(That’s an action shot of the round and round action!)

Laura (Me) : [The Blue Menace] is real! [It's] been having me since I was 32. And, the diary was hidden too well. There is no other person who could have known where it was. [It] comes in through my window at night. [It’s] real. [It’s] getting to know me now. [It] speaks to me.

Harold Smith (Andrew) : What does [the Blue Menace] say?

Laura: (Me) [It] says [it] wants to be me, or [it'll] kill me.

Ok, ok, fine. So that was a scene from “Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me,” but you can understand WHY I would want to over exaggerate the power of the light. The thing is, on top of the lights, it also hums. Even when it is turned off. I’m not sure what that’s all about.

Maybe I don’t understand new technology. Maybe my circadian rhythm is totally bollocks. Maybe I just need to stuff a pillow over my face, prop my sleeping Andrew, (a literal AND figurative “McDreamy,”) up on a remote control, rendering him immobile and unable to move onto his back in order to snore…Oops, nevermind…I already do that.. Is it normal to be afraid of your Direct TV box? As long as I don’t wake up tonight and hear, “Hello Brownie, I can hear your thoughts. …are you having trouble sleeping?” I think I’ll be alright. Maybe. Goodnight.