I have a dirty little secret.
Back before I had kids, I didn’t really keep snack food around. I had my Goldfish crackers, my pretzels and if I was really feeling sassy, I’d throw some peanuts on top to complete the trifecta of salty goodness. Even though we didn’t keep a whole lot of “junk food” around, I could never seem to lose weight (I was in complete denial as to how my diet of carbs and carbs worked into the equation…)
After my darling son was born, I was a little bit in shock as to the state of my body. Aside from the whole “Wow, my boobs are producing milk!” thing, I was dumbfounded by the way my belly looked. No one told me that for the next few days to weeks after delivery, I would continue to look 5 months pregnant until every thing “down there” settled down, retracted, lost fluid weight, whatever. I was horrified that my tummy didn’t IMMEDIATELY look like it did after they had babies on my Soap Opera…flat, lithe and ready to wear a cocktail dress 24-7. I was so shocked by the way my tummy looked that I refused to wear a stitch of maternity clothing home from the hospital or anytime thereafter, until I was pregnant again some 13 months later. Elastic waistbands and my treadmill became my friends. I learned about Winsor Pilates at 3 am while nursing my son, and a short time later, I was doing “the Hundred” on my bedroom floor. Oh, and my skin never looked better, because I learned about Proactiv while breastfeeding, too. Ha ha. But none of those things are my dirty little secret.
You don’t think you’re going to be the kind of parent who is going to keep a ton of snacks in the house, but the fact of the matter is, if your kid (or in my case KIDS) reject raisins and celery with peanut butter, you need to find something to keep them (as we say in the South) in between meals. For my kids, that mostly means carbs, carbs, carbs. They ARE fed a balanced diet, but specifically the carbs they love are “Bees Crackers” (graham cracker bees), mini-saltines, Goldfish crackers, “pretzels that look like windows” (those “snaps” pretzels that look like grids), cereal bars (any kind), and any cookies (yes, cookies) my mother brings when she comes to visit. I know, I know, I’m a terrible (if not honest and realistic) mom. But that, also, isn’t my dirty little secret.
I have a dirty little secret that only my husband and maybe my parents know about. I have an addiction, which if left unchecked or out of control, could result in this, and I’m scared:
My named is Brownie, and I am a Baked Cheeto-aholic. And that, loyal readers, is my dirty little secret.
I could eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I could eat them from sun up to sun down, through the night and back again. I could eat them in a house or with a mouse, in a box and with a fox; or anything else Dr. Seuss could come up with. If left to my own devices, I would have permanently orange fingers, and a schmeared on, Joker-like, orange grin…the residue of eating Baked Cheetos like Cookie Monster (that’s right, your read correctly, I love them so much, I made up my own word…)
The dilemma is I am trying to lose weight, and as anyone with kids knows, it is IMPOSSIBLE to keep the kid-friendly snacks out of the house. It is a battle of wits and will power between me and the Cheetos, and hopefully the Cheetos won’t win. DAMN YOU BAKED CHEETOS! WHY DO YOU MOCK ME!?
When I found the “100 Calorie Snack Packs” of Baked Cheetos in the grocery store, I peed in my pants. Well, not really, but I was really excited about it. Ok, I peed. But just a little bit.
What I am most afraid of (besides gaining weight/retarding my weight loss) is this, and all the “Cheetos Press” she’s gotten:
Remember when? Those were the Good ‘Ol Days (Pre-Cheetos):
Someone, please tell me that eating Cheetos doesn’t turn this (left) into this (right):
SHUDDER.
If someone can suggest a Baked Cheetos methadone, I’m all ears and open to suggestions. But until then, I will continue to stab my fork into the hand of anyone who reaches into my bowl. Except Sweetie, she loves to eat Baked Cheetos, too, which is why I keep ‘em around. Hell, if I wore 2T, I’d eat them like it was my job too. Wait, I already DO eat them like it's my job. Oh.
Currently, we are teaching our kids about moderation and balance, in all aspects of life. Our mantra goes: “You can’t do (fill in the blank such as ‘play legos’ or ‘eat dessert’) all of the time, you can’t do (blank) none of the time, you may do it SOME of the time.” I have already established, within myself, that 2008 is the year of BALANCE, so hopefully I can do as I say AND as I do…stick to my exercise, count my calories and eat Cheetos in moderation. If you start seeing me using public restrooms without shoes on or using a faux British accent, by all means, stage an intervention…but I’m confident this is one addiction I can learn to live with.
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