Motherhood From the Edge of the Map: Gross Exaggeration of Our Actual Contribution to the World...

I’m a Republican, I Recycle, I like Gays and I like Kinky Sex. Take That, Bitches!

Per the teachings of the Divine Big Daddy (a.k.a my baby Daddy, a.k.a ~~that guy who pays my bills~~ my legally-bound partner until death do us part…actually…even THAT’S not true, cause I’ve already vowed to haunt him should he remarry if/when I kick the bucket because we made a deal….lobsters are lobsters…) we are *trying* to be green; which has, actually, turned out to be MUCH more fun than I thought it would be. Having moved to our little Carolina town from the ~~7^th Layer of~~ ~~Fun~~ ~~Hell~~ Washington, DC Suburbs (retch), we were actually quite accustomed to recycling (one of the few GOOD things we were able to glean from our time served.)

One our biggest steps was going “Sigg;” (a few of our “Sigg Army”)

as in, no more randomly numbered, hormone-disrupting plastics. Although, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention…if leaching plastics cause “delayed onset of puberty,” and I was blessed with my own menses at the darling age of ELEVEN,

should I NOT be force feeding my daughter bottle after bottle of refilled, remicrowaved, refrozen, reheated, reused, leached, leaking, chemical-laden goodness??? Just a thought. After all, as pretty as she is, I’d to put off V looking like Skipper as long as possible…I mean, Barbie’s little sister has got to be loose, right?

Look what happened to Jamie Lynn…teenaged Momma/Sister of Britney Spears. GOO.

So today when I went through the self-check-out at Bloom and used my many, multiple, brand new (poor-man’s version of) “I'm Not a Plastic Bag,”

with my sassy blonde hair flipping from side to side, shifting my weight in my hips (30 lbs. lighter since having said babies) such that if I had a bell attached to my butt it would have been ringing like, “ding…ding…ding…DING, Da, DING, DING, Da, DING!,”

(Yeah, yeah, Ok, so fine, that's NOT "actually" me, close enough...(or not)
and a smirk of utter and pure self-satisfaction on my face, looking ~~down upon~~ at everyone around me; with their space-occupying plastic bags…I knew I was better than everyone else! But not because I was being kind to the environment (cause that would be a SILLY reason!), but because I am a REPUBLICAN. and I was being kind to the environment. (* except for the issue of abortion (I am pro-choice) and of course, the love for my Gays…)