Are You *Ever* Too Old to Soil Yourself?

As parents, we have or will at some point experience the rigors of potty training. There are books. There are videos. There are methods. There are entire philosophies written with the length and complexity of the Tao Te Ching

(Yes, Grasshoppa...Same is true of Potty Training!)

penned with the express purpose of getting your little one to “tinkle,” “wee-wee,” “pee-pee,” “poopie,” “number(s) 1 and/or 2” in the potty…to, in other words, further evolve into functional members of society who, for the next seventy or so years will go diaper-free until that point in old-age diapers become, again, a daily requirement.

With my oldest (a boy), potty training was a snap. Boys are so logical. At age 2 years, we told him that he needed to “pup” (our obligatory familial nickname for doo-doo) and “pee-pee” in the potty. We were reluctant to use “Pull-Ups,” (which, for those of you without kids) is essentially a toddler version of a “Depends Undergarments,” for use with those individuals who KNOW they are supposed to use the toilet but whose circumstances prevent them from doing so,) but opted to use them sparingly…at night, on long shopping trips…in situations where finding a potty could prove precarious. Literally two weeks later, my son was among the toilet-trained. Bless.

Our daughter took a little longer, mainly because she is a TOTAL Diva, who demands things to be her way or NO way. Her potty training was much, MUCH more drawn out than the two-week-miracle that occurred with our son (and spoiled us) and the speed bump proved to be nothing more than linguistics. We used every G-rated euphemism in the English language short of “whiz” to urge our darling Princess to urinate on the potty. For 1: She would NOT use a “practice potty.” It was the BIG, “regular” potty or no potty at all. Ok, fine, we “give.” And second, she absolutely would NOT let her bladder go until she told us the password…

“Mama, iths called “TINKLE!” She finally revealed with her Cindy Brady lisp and then let loose like a pumped and primed fire hydrant. Could you hear that? It was a palpable sigh of relief. We finally knew the magic word.

So yes, one child “pee-pees” and one child “tinkles.” Whatev. At least they’re both in underpants. I’m not complaining.

But here’s the thing. Big Daddy and I were watching TV the other night and were privy to a VERY disturbing commercial…geared at young, naïve, unsuspecting parents just like us. The commercial was introducing “Pampers Underjams.”

They range in size from a respectable 38 lbs. to a questionable 85 lbs. As in, the average weight of a TEN YEAR OLD. Which raises the query…How badly does Pampers want your money? Pampers ABSOLUTELY does NOT want you to potty train your kid. Assuming the child has no special needs or developmental delay…Its simple economics…potty training = loss of profit, which is why we believe they keep increasing the “target age” on their products.

I can hear their product development meeting now…“Geez, Bob…Diapers work so well with babies…maybe we can do like the cigarette companies and make parents ADDICTED and DEPENDENT. We can just keep making and advertising diapers but under the guise of “training pants” or “bed-wetting aids.” BRILLIANT! It makes sense, right? It’s SOOO much easier to just shell out fifteen bucks on a bag of diapers for your kid that to spend ACTUAL time with them doing all that pesky, time-consuming loving and nurturing. Just schlep a Pull-Up on their butt and call it a day. The breadth of human laziness never ceases to amaze. What’s next? Underjams for PARENTS!?”

“New, from the makers of Pampers…You used them with your newborn. You used them with your toddler. Hell, they worked so damn well, you just kept on using them…So Mom…too tired after your long day to use the bathroom? No problem! Did that last glass of wine make you a little too relaxed? We’ve got you covered! LITERALLY! Are you an adult ASTRONAUT who needs to drive cross country to attempt to assault their lover’s wife?

Well, we have to draw the line somewhere…sorry. PampersPanties are the perfect solution for your too-busy-to-take-the time/too-lazy-to-purchase-real-underpants lifestyle. Now you TOO can experience the ease of eliminating in your pants and wallowing in your own filth…just like your OWN kids who are WAY too old to still be in Pull-Ups, using a pacifier and drinking from a bottle. (Yes, THREE is TOO OLD.) PampersPanties are PERFECT for soccer games, PTA meetings and of course, Bunco Night! Turn over the stress of toileting to us, so you can do the things that really matter…like watching “All My Children” and taking Xanax. PampersPanties…

because we can care!

If you just wet your pants (but are still dry!) Click here.