Three Stories

I awoke this morning at 4 am and could not go back to sleep. I am tired, nay, exhausted. And here’s what happens when Momma doesn’t get enough sleep...

After I picked up V from nursery school today, I was casually chatting with my neighbor on the phone as I made V her favorite---a quesadilla. It occurred to me that V could eat quesadillas for breakfast, lunch and dinner (and she literally has.) As the cheese-filled flour tortilla gently browned in the skillet, I commented to Tina that “V could eat quesadillas until the cows come home.

I finished up on the phone and finished up making V’s lunch. All the while, she sat, quietly resting after school, watch the Gospel According to Dora (as in, Nick 2.) Feeling especially generous, I presented V with her half-moon of joy, cut with love, into 4 equal pieces while she continued to enjoy her program (which was now tuned into the decadent treat that is “Tom and Jerry,” a violent, dated, non-educational show that my children enjoy with the ferocity of crack-addicts.)

I myself had retreated into my own bedroom to watch “Momma’s Show,” a.k.a “All My Children.” Armed with my little bowl of left-over spaghetti and homemade turkey meatballs (YUMMY!) I hit the sheets, prepared to have my brain numbed by the exciting and sordid lives of Kendall and Erica. Will Greenlee leave Aiden and go back to Ryan? I am biting my nails in anticipation…

I had finished my lunch, and was just getting ready to fold (A MILLION LOADS OF) laundry, when I heard V yell something down the hallway.

“What honey?” I yelled back, too lazy and tired to actually get up to see what my 3-year-old daughter is in wont of.

“MURPH-DURPH-LU-LA-LRUG?” She yelled louder, but I still couldn’t make out what she was trying to say.

“What?!” I still couldn’t hear…sounding like the little purple-haired old lady I will turn into some day.

As she tried, once more, to be heard, I decided to get off my butt and see what V was so excited about. I walked down the hall, and found V exactly as I left her-minus-one delicious quesadilla, but now with eyes WIDE, and full of wonder and pride; a satisfied grin decorated her face, as if in eating her lunch, she was actually achieving much, much more…As if the simple act of consuming her quesdilla held more power than a psychotic Border Collie...

She asked,

“Momma, did the cows come home?”

…

I received the BEST, strangest compliment the other day. As a Mom, I am used to putting myself last. So that when I DO receive a personal compliment (i.e about me, not my kids, my parenting skills, my killer casserole skillz…(that’s right, with a “z” mutha-effa!), I take it to heart, value it, deeply appreciate it. That being said, this particular compliment I simply must share…

A friend of mine stopped me in the street while I was taking the kids to ride bikes, she said…

“You are turning into such a Skinny Mini! What size are you? You look like a size 4. If I was a size 4, I would be SUCH A SLUT!”*

*Just for the record, I did NOT reveal my actual size, which is neither here nor there. The number written inside your pants isn’t nearly as important with how you feel about yourself on the inside. Cliché, but true. Also, this may be the most awesome compliment anyone has ever given me. Perfect Ten for creativity.

…

Part of M’s daily homework is for us to read books together, and then record the books in a “reading log.” I have been bitching and moaning about having to write down every book we read because a) we read a heck of a lot of books and b) as Tina pointed out, I now have to do “extra” work for an activity we ALREADY do together. I understand that there are probably kids whose parents aren’t nearly as annoying interactive as I am. Sent home in his homework folder was a worksheet for me to fill out to include…Title, Author, Characters and BRIEF summary. Herein lies the dilemma…I much like Ike and Tina don’t do anything nice and easy, I don’t do anything nice and brief. So night after night, I have sat in our dimly lit dinning room, pencil furiously penning summary after brief summary…or so I thought. More like…mini book reports…

“…and then the bus driver is forced to leave the bus, and asks the reader to NOT let the pigeon ride the bus! The pigeon pleads and begs to be allowed to drive the bus, but in the end, realizes it’s probably not the best idea…”

“…but “Grumpy Cat” isn’t REALLY grumpy, he’s just lonely. When he meets Kitten, he finds a companion and learns a valuable lesson in friendship and trust.”

“…but as soon as Mr. Pine paints his house purple, EVERYONE paints their house purple, which frustrates Mr. Pine! Everything he tries to do different is copied, but in the end, Mr. Pine realizes that imitation is the more sincere form of flattery…”

Today when I got M’s homework folder, there was a personally handwritten note on his Book Log…it said:

“In the future, just a simple, BRIEF summary is fine. REALLY. Thanks.”

I think I just got *schooled* by M’s Kindergarten teacher.

My next summary: (To: 10 Little Ducklings…)

“Mom duck lost her kids. The end.”