Get Thee to a Nunnery...

Within days of moving to our Southern, Bible-Belt based town, it became clear that in order to “fit in,” we needed to get creative about our (lack) of church attendance. We thought we could get away with “Oh, we attend (cough into hand) Our Rosary… (clear throat, look to the side, muffle voice with hand again)… Four-Horseman of the… (fake sneeze, blow nose, cover mouth with tissue)…Savior of the Holy Trinity.” If queried further, we figured we could just say it’s a small church in “the country.” But after the nurse at my dermatologist’s office asked me, “What church do y’all attend?” WHILE I was being examined (and no one thought that was a rude or intrusive question…it was, apparently, TOTALLY NORMAL) I knew we’d have to come up with something better. After all, it was only a matter of time before people realized “Our Lady of Sealy Posteurpedic” was actually a euphemism for my bed, and that “Saint Mattress” was NOT one of the 12 Apostles.

The other day, M came home from school and said, “Momma, do you know what church Suzanne goes to?” I had been hearing about Suzanne since the first day of school. She was one of maybe 3 kids who had their “ant” moved to the “warning” anthill for being naughty. During the next few weeks, I would hear about all of the fooley she was making in class; all about how her “ant” seemed to be in perpetual motion…moving from the “warning” anthill up to the second “lose 5 minutes of play” anthill. She sounded like a pistol...and of course, M was smitten.

“I don’t know, M, which church does Suzanne go to?”

He spoke the answer slowly and powerfully, putting equal emphasis on both words, as if to accentuate their deep, individual meaning.

“First Baddest.”

What did he say?

“And Momma, she doesn’t take a bus with a number home…she gets on the FIRST BADDEST bus.”

His eyes were wide and wild from fascination. What must he think goes on at “First Baddest?” Was that where the “Bad” kids went? If he, himself, wasn’t good, would be find himself riding the “First Baddest” bus all the way to the First Baddest Church?”

Those crazy Baddests! They think they are just so high and mighty!

But my giggles over M’s auditory mistake turned quickly to concern…if he knew that Suzanne attended First Baptist, did he then reveal that we are horrible sinners who do not attend church and must be shunned as non-believers? So I asked him, “Well, what church do WE attend?”

M contemplated my question, thought about it for a minute and then replied…

“Oh, I dunno…maybe Second Baddest, maybe Third,” and then shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

Phew! We had dodged THAT bullet, for now. Bu since we actually ARE Christian, and we DO “believe,” I suppose that for the sake of fitting in, we really ought to join a church (I mean, other than “Home Churching” which was ANOTHER excuse I had used in the past…I mean, you’ve heard of “Home SCHOOLING,” right? Well, same difference…) The church I picked is described as “Contemporary, Inclusive and Casual.” I know for a fact that my boss has brought GOATS to church there before, so what the hey, right? She played Joseph in the Christmas Pageant one year, too. Sounds right up our alley, and hey, if it doesn’t work out, there’s always First Baddest…or maybe Second Baddest, maybe Third.