Thin People Smell Like A Fart (a follow-up to "Exercise Makes You Stupid")

I’ve finally “made it.” I am finally part of, what I had considered to be for so long, the elite. I am a part of that small percentile of society living well within their healthy BMI, passing on that extra serving and putting down the fork. I am thin. All the hard work, diet and exercise finally paid off. I have been maintaining my 30 lb. weight loss for months now…but just like anything else in life, there are upsides and downsides. Sure, I look cute in a denim mini, but I am also eyeing (with envy and like a vulture) the moms who eat a piece of cake at the birthday party…and then finish their kid’s plate. There is a yin to every yang, and being thin vs. “fluffy” is no different…because here’s the thing, the secret “thin” people hope the rest of the world NEVER hear about. Thin people smell like a fart. It’s true. And if I had known then, what I know now…I’d probably be eating dinner right now, instead of writing my blog. Bless.

(No, that's NOT me.)

Losing the weight was relatively fun. Before I made a huge lifestyle change last September, it seemed I was always on a diet, perpetually trying to lose weight, and it never happened. It took two kids and aging into my 30’s to finally figure it out/accept what I had to do. Increase protein and fiber and lose my beloved carbs. At least some of them. Watching the weight come off as a result of my effort was very motivational. In the end, as my friend Jessica put it, I achieved a “total body transformation,” which actually exceeded my own expectations. I watched what I ate, increased my exercise by 100% (in other words, started working out), and controlled my portion sizes. The first month I lost 8 lbs., and then every month after that I lost between 2 and 4. But now I am trying to maintain a weight I NEVER thought I would be, and it’s been “ok”…The challenge has been finding foods that fill me up and/or are lo-cal. Strictly counting calories has been the thing that has worked for me, so far. But I’m not bragging, like anything else, being thin has certain prices to pay…like the time my mother-in-law introduced me to “Light” potato chips, fried in Olestra ™.

Funny…their logo is the word “Light” but the letter “I” has been replaced with what appears to be a woman running for the toilet.

“Don’t worry,” she said, “As long as you control your portion size, you won’t have any bad side effects, maybe just some gas…”

But doesn’t Olestra ™ cause “anal leakage” or “seepage” …greasy discharge or something?

“I never have a problem, but just remember not to eat too many…”

Famous Last Words.

Of course I CANNOT control any kind of portion size when it comes to chips. When I FIRST began this journey (with my doctor) she left me with three words that have resonated in my ears ever since. They were three words that, when driving home from her office that fateful day, left me such a sense of self-doubt , “how can I not eat chips?” But determination paid off, and I was chip-free until our trip to Northern Virginia. When we were staying with my in-laws, I kept my potato chip eating to a respectful minimum so I wouldn’t appear a glutton, however, when we returned and in the safety of my own home, all bets were off…I ate those damn Olean Chips like it was my job. I ate the ruffles, I ate the classic, I even ate the damn Olean tortilla chips. Oh, it was fantastic! Potato chips tasted just as I remembered! Salty, crisp…delicious. I ate one…two…five…half a bag. Kasey, I know you sometimes read my blog, and now I can honestly say, I know the true meaning of “it smells like Wavy Lays in here!” Cause that’s what my TUSHIE smelled like for the next 72 hours post-Olean-consumption. Why God? WHY!

It began about 5 hours after my Olestra snack gorge. During what is now known as The Great Eruption of 2008, Tina popped in for a glass (or 5) of wine. Embarrassed and concerned, I literally felt the need to ask,

“Does my whole house smell like a fart?!”

Later that night, with a bed full of kids (Big Daddy was out of town on business), I woke up feeling rather full. When it was all said and done, I feared to my core that the kids would wake up and throw up from the product of my uncontrollable consumption of “Light” potato chips. The smell coulda’ backed a buzzard off’a gut wagon.

I won’t be eating “Light Chips” anymore. I’ll take my chances with the extra calories if it means I won’t be walking around smelling like a sulphur spring. What’s the point of looking good on the outside if you smell like you are rotting on the inside? And single guys: Buyer Beware…if that hot blonde you’re eyeing at the party is huddled up around the “Light” chips…RUN (do not walk) cause bitch is about to EXPLODE about 5 hours from now.
Don’t hate thin people because they look sassy, hate them because they smell like Charlie Brown’s friend Pig Pen.
Sure, a couple of extra pounds may not look as hot, but at least they don’t stink like a rotten egg.
So what have I learned from this particular “lo-cal” food experience? Although I may look toiyt like a tiger, I can toot like a man.

If that’s what it takes to be tiny, somebody feed me a cookie. My gastrointestinal system is like the Incredible Hulk…you won’t like it when it’s angry.