The Mommy Workout

The Mommy Workout Current mood: sore
The "Mommy Workout" is much different than that of our childless counterparts or those whose children are older and in school. Oh how I long to just go to the gym and pump iron on a prescribed schedule, iPod afixed to my ears...Don't kid yourselves, gym-goers. You DO have a better body than me, and it's because you have the time, money and energy to hit the gym with any kind of regularity. The "Mommy" workout consists of a very unorthodox and irregular regime of various nonconformed excercise elements. This should not be confused with the "Mommy Diet", an eat-what-you-can-while-you-have-a-second diet. A feast of the last bite of Eggo waffle left on your child's plate, two bites of your own breakfast cereal before you are called away, only to return to the cat drinking from your bowl, the tid-bit of pizza found under the booster seat the next day, and the steady stream of goldfish crackers...ah...the goldfish crackers.
Well, folks, this is MY workout...try it...if you dare...
Now pay attention: Max weighs 37 lbs and Fifi La Woo Woo weighs in at a mean 25 lbs. Those are my "weights."
Our first stop was the post office. I had to return a package to me that was sent to me with the understanding that it would be insured and intact, however upon arrival it was neither insured NOR intact. So my first "excercise" of the day was pushing Viv in the stroller, holding Max's hand and carrying a package full of a broken ceramic vase. Now count how many hands that requires. Now count your own. Now figure out how I did that. Inside the post office I am told that we have to go to a room marked "information" and that we need to speak to "Elizabeth." While we wait (what seemed like hours, but was only about 3 minutes) Max ran in one direction while Vivi screamed "Up, Up, Walk, WALK!" So now I am vigarously pushing the stroller back and forth, while Max runs in circles and yells "Coochie, coochie, coo!" Apparently he was running in circles trying to tickle Vivien. I was sweating from stress, exertion and quite frankly, I was still fuming about my stupid eBay purchase. I am SO leaving negative feedback! I then walk both kids back to and load them into the car.
Next stop: The UPS store so I can mail out a baby present to my friend Steve Ruzila who just had his first son! This time I decided to let Vivien "roam free" which turned into a complete free for all. Luckily they had this bizarre white Christmas tree which momentarily mesmermized the kids, like a stun gun, only more humane. A little old lady came in with this really cute/weird/creative purse in the shape of a watering can, which Max began studying immediately. Nothing like having a 3 year old invade your personal space! But when he said "Lady, does that have water in it?" We all errupted in laughter. She replied "No, I'm just pretending." Cute! But again, more aerobics trying to keep Vivien from running behind the counter "Look, you have an assistant!" As I giggle uncontrollably from the embarrassment...I am also sweating heavily again. I carry both kids out to the car.
Finally a break...we went to feed the ducks. Again, I get the kids out of the car. The ducks saw us coming and start a frenzie. Each child was given several slices of stale bread and they fed the ducks, to their delight and mine until...an enraged goose begins a rampage towards us. Vivien was laughing in hysterics (she also thinks barking dogs are funny---go figure) so I scooped up both kids (60 lbs. of weight) and ran back to the car. Max was looking over my shoulder yelling "It's coming right for us, RUN, RUN!" And darn it if I didn't hear that dag-gum goose honking at us all the way back to the car. (Excellent use of "dag-gum" I might add.) Loaded the kids in, and we were off.
Next stop: The walking trail around the hospital. The goal for me was 2 laps which is 2 miles which fulfills my 30 minutes of walking per day. AND with the additional 60 lbs. of weight on the rickshaw---I mean, jog stroller, I should be golden. After the walk, I always promise the kids that we can walk around the pond right next to the hospital. It's wooded and serene and Max loves to throw rocks in it. Just like a boy, he's got to break up the tranquility! So we finished the 2 miles, and headed for the pond. But by now, I had put the stroller away and I let the kids walk on their own (which takes BLOODY FOREVER, but they're kids, so what can you do?) Once around the pond, we decided to head home. Lunchtime awaited us. But Max and Vivien both decided that the final hill up to the van was just too much. Max wanted a piggy back ride and Vivien just wanted "up, up." You can only imagine what I looked (and felt) like. One on my back and one on my hip, trudging up the hill after all we had done this morning. I'm sure that in some Thrid World Country somewhere, I also now qualify to be a Marine or at least a Fireman. "Maxwell and Vivien...I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU BEHIND. Maxwell and Vivien...I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU BEHIND." (And if you "get" that reference, I will love you forever. So hopefully Andrew gets it!)
No, it's not your typical workout, but I can say this...As I sit here typing in my pajamas (it's 2:52 PM), freshly showered, holding a cat in my lap, I DO ache. That was some seriously endurance training! You can have your gym, I'm happy staying home.